‘Food’ is a very sensitive topic when you talk about a foodie’s life. A foodie can be anyone; your best friend, your family member, your girlfriend and even your boss. It’s extremely important to know who the foodie in your circle is, as you don’t really want to be in their bad books especially when it comes to sharing meals. 

When they allow you to have a bite of their food with a smile, don’t believe them. You don’t know what they are actually thinking while saying it (imagine sharing something you love so much with somebody else – with a smile). They’re like that pissed off girlfriend whose favourite reply to “what’s wrong?” is “nothing”. So next time you ask a foodie for a bite, this is what they are probably thinking!

 

#1 “Get your own damn food!”

Tell us how hard is that? You order food and it comes to your table and nowadays people even deliver for free! So, what’s with asking for a bite? You can ask how it tastes and we’ll let you know and you can be on your way. That sounds convenient, doesn’t it? Try THAT, maybe!?

 

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#2 “I hope it makes you poop in your sleep”

Fine, we have made our peace with you being a bugger and taking away a piece of our ‘precious’ from us. But with good food comes great poop and you my friend – will never know when it comes (or so we hope). You may long for a good dump but it will be there when you lay asleep in your bed dreaming of our food while you least expect it. Next thing you know, your bed smells, man, it looks even worse now.

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#3 “You better take a small bite”

Our fingers are crossed and prayers are in our heads just because we’re hoping you don’t open up that monster mouth and take it all away from us. A small bite is what we were asked for, anything more than that and you’ll witness the wrath of our Lords!

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#4 “I wish I could charge you per bite”

Don’t mean to be a cheap ass here, but if that’s what it takes to keep people away from my food – it shall be done. Spread the word to foodies all over the world! It’s like a cure for zombies. It might just work because cheap ass people can surprise you, yep!

 

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#5 “I paid for it, not you!”

That burger cost 100 bucks and that’s like nothing! You’d spend that on cigarettes or chocolates maybe a box of chewing gums but not buy yourself a burger? ARE YOU F**KING KIDDING ME!?

 

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#6 “That’s right, eat up, I ordered it for you”

Here! *moves the plate towards the friend* don’t even save one bite, okay? It’s my favourite but I ordered it for you, of course! Chew on! (some people suck at understanding sarcasm, it’s not your fault)

 

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#7 “I have to ask you to taste but please decline my offer, please?”

Okay, I’ll be nice and ask you if you’d like a bite and you WILL refuse to try, that’s how it goes. Please play it the way I imagined it to be. Please god, please!

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#8 “I hope you choke on that!”

All right, take a bite; get it over with, pronto! I hope you choke on it the moment you start to enjoy it though and I’ll look at you with a straight face while you beg for some water.

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#9 “I’m Joey and you know what? JOEY DOESN’T SHARE FOOOOD!”

I have figured, this is how I’m going to introduce myself to new people I meet at the restaurant and give them a heads up by saying what Joey always said, just in case they start eyeing my food. Listen up, you sneaky little bugger, Joey DOESN’T SHARE FOOD!

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#10 “I should order something that you’re allergic to!”

That’s like a full proof master plan to keep you away from my territory. All you can do is eye my lasagne, maybe or smell if from a distance because that’s all you’re going to get. Order yourself some fries maybe and if there’s not enough salt, you can use your tears. HAH!

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#11 “If I’m hungry later, I’m going to curse you, wait, that’s already happening!”  

Well, I can of course order more food, but cursing you will give me some amount of satisfaction till my food is delivered. And hopefully you won’t be around for a “small” bite!

 

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#12 “Somebody gonna get a hurt real bad!” – Russell Peters

Remember that phrase Russell Peters’ dad used, well, this time, it’s going to be me. Believe me, it will be more than words. Take two steps back from my plate. Now!

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